this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
