1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
