When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
