my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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