The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
