I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
there is puke in my bra ... again
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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