Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
