i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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