I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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