Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
