hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
