What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
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