Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
