My underwear smells like fireworks.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
