My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
