My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
