Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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