I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
