yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
50% drunk capacity currently
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
