mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
