I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
