the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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