I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
