life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
