I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
