it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
