I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am naked and annoyed.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
A bitchslap is in order.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
