i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Randomize
