when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
