you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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