she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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