I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
