is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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