I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
