Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
