yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
