Apparently you make a good broom.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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