Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize