My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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