Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't deserve a penis
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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