just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
