My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
