i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
