hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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