Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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