He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
