do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
