Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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