our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
