Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
