Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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