Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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