I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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