I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Couch. On fire.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
