There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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