im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
