I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
