im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
